


The Silence of the Space Gerbils

by Kittenly



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Christmas Crack, Christmas fic, Crack, Garrus and co take things too seriously, Holiday Fic Exchange, Humor, Multi, Post-Game, Shipping goggles can either be worn or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-07 01:19:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3155471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenly/pseuds/Kittenly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disaster strikes when Garrus' old C-Sec nemesis shows up...to ruin Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Silence of the Space Gerbils

**Author's Note:**

> For Geminia (Gemioftheeast.tumblr.com)  
> I am your late-ass gifter. Hope you enjoy some crack.

Palaven’s recovery had been slow but consistent in the years since the Reapers had been destroyed. While the planet was still rebuilding most of its infrastructure, life had begun to return to normal. So normal in fact, that the Alliance had sent Shepard and her Normandy crew to solidify some agreements with the Turian government after they started to try and back out of some treaties. 

With the Reaper threat gone and the galaxy saved, the sense of unity that held the organics together had begun to fade. Relations were still better than they had ever been in pre-Reaper history, but life was once again being driven by politics rather than survival. 

Garrus could tell that it frustrated Shepard, so he gave her an extra squeeze as she left for to meet with some officials of the turian government. 

“Don’t worry too much,” Garrus told her. “They’ll listen to you. They have to.”

“I know,” Shepard sighed. “I just hate politics. I thought we were going to retire to an island and sign autographs for the rest of our days?”

“Who knew being savior of the galaxy would have such a terrible vacation plan? It’s criminal,” Garrus said, then continued in a softer voice. “We’ll do something nice when you’re done. Promise.”

Shepard gave him a small smile before turning and walking away. 

Garrus watched her go. He clicked his mandibles, a tic he could never quite shake when he was worried. As he strolled around, he tried to think of something nice he could do for Shepard. They were on Palaven, so maybe she would like something turian? 

As he was thinking, he ambled towards two familiar figures who stood at some enormous windows, watching the ships drift over the recovering planet. 

Steve Cortez and James Vega were exchanging good natured barbs as Garrus approached them. 

“Come on, Esteban,” James said. “It’s not a hard question.”

“I told you, I don’t want anything,” Steve insisted. 

“But it’s Christmas. I’ve gotta get you something.”

“I’ve got everything I want. Besides, are you even Christian?”

“Sure,” said James. “My whole family is Catholic.”

“When was the last time you went to mass?” Steve asked. 

James laughed, and counted on his fingers. “I think it took about maybe two years in the marines before I stopped making the effort. Mi mamá has yet to forgive me.”

The two waved when they noticed Garrus. 

“Hey Scars,” James called. “See our good commander off?”

“Yes. You know how much politics thrill her. I had to take her aside and say, ‘Shepard, they might think you’re looking for a seat on the council with all they enthusiasm you’re radiating. Could you try to look less excited to be here?’”

Garrus joined them for a moment, staring out at the drifting ships in a companionable silence. Eventually he asked, “So what were you too bickering about?”

“Esteban won’t tell me what he wants for Christmas,” said James. 

“Christmas?” Garrus asked. He was sure he had heard about it at least in passing. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Christmas?” James said, slightly horrified.

“I might have?” said Garrus. 

Steve elbowed James. “He’s not from Earth.”

“Yeah, but. It’s Christmas,” James insisted. He turned seriously to Garrus. “Christmas is only the best day of the year. It’s where you get the whole family together and go to church and give each other presents and eat until you physically can’t anymore.”

“This is an Earth thing?” Garrus asked. He began to wonder if he might look into getting Shepard a present. She would ask him not to, but hell, she deserved something nice. 

“Despite what Mr. Vega would have you believe, no. It’s a religious holiday. And it’s not even the largest religion.”

“Plenty of non-Christians celebrate it. We should too!”

“What sort of presents do you give?” asked Garrus. 

“Oh, anything. Kids get toys, adults get… adult shit like pots and pans and omnitool upgrades.” He paused more a moment, before his face lit up. “Hey, Scars, you should get the commander a present!”

Steve nodded. “She deserves a bit of celebration and relaxation,” he said. “Or, at least once our diplomacy mission here is finished.”

James fist pumped. “Aw yeah, we’re going Christmas shopping! In space!”

* * *

 

Shopping for Shepard turned out to be more difficult than any of them had imagined. Garrus insisted that they get her something unrelated to military (no guns, no omnitools, that sort of thing). She could get better gear at better prices herself. 

Food was out of the question. What shops had reopened were almost exclusively dextro, with only the barest of staples of levo food, and Garrus didn’t think Shepard would appreciate even more rations-quality food. 

James insisted at stopping in every shop that was open, because he didn’t want to miss any thing. Eventually, the three of them were burdened down with more gifts than they could reasonably justify. 

Steve had gotten James a collection of turian action-figures, a finely made belt that held a truly obscene amount of ammo, and a large plush Mako. 

James had returned the gesture by getting Steve some beautifully detailed RC ships, including the Kodiak and Hammerhead, along with a signed biotiball poster.

Garrus clicked his mandibles in frustration. There was nothing here that would thrill Shepard as much as James and Steve’s gifts thrilled each other. 

Then he laid eyes on it. The shop was at the very end of the spaceport, and was clearly struggling. The sign over it read “Palaven Pets,” and underneath, the text read, “Why take a souvenir when you can take a friend?” 

“Not the most persuasive slogan I’ve ever seen,” Garrus said. “What do you guys think? Would Shepard kill us if we got her another pet?”

“Well, if we get her a fish, she’d kill it before us,” said James with a snicker. 

“I think she’d love it,” said Steve. “She was heartbroken when Space Hamster died. Though the funeral was quite lovely.”

“I remember,” Garrus said. “She asked me to help write the eulogy.”

They walked into the shop, which smelled of animal droppings and bleach. Along the wall were enclosures containing the small critters and screens displaying camera footage of the larger ones who wouldn’t be happy in the little shop front. 

A turian woman bustled about, exchanging the bedding of a few of the creatures. When she noticed them, she gave a friendly click and motioned them inside. 

“Hello,” she said. When she spotted Steve and James coming in behind Garrus, her eyes lit up. “Tourists?” she asked them. “Can I interest you in any of Palaven’s unique pets? They’re famous across the galaxy for being easy to take care of, and particularly suited for life on a spaceship.”

“Actually,” Garrus said. “We’re looking for a pet for our commander. Something small. Cuddly. Appropriate for a warship.”

“They turian?”

“No. She’s human.”

The shopkeeper nodded. She guided them over to the far wall, past a number of creatures Garrus hadn’t seen in a long time. He clicked happily at the small reptile-like creatures that scuttled up to him and sniffed as they passed by. They gleamed in the electric lights, spots of light bouncing off their shiny silver exoskeletons. Finally, they reached a corner where a lone critter huddled. 

“Humans seem to be particularly fond of paupowa,” she said with a shrug. The paupowa huddled in the corner of its enclosure, looking up at Garrus with enormous black eyes. Unlike most of Palaven’s animals, it wasn’t covered in metal exoskeleton. Rather had thick, stiff fur that looked like it was made out of fine silver thread. It stood on its long back feet and held its little front arms close to its chest. 

James pushed close to it and made an odd sound. “It’s like a giant space gerbil!” he said. 

“I’d have said chinchilla,” said Steve. He smiled at James’ enthusiasm. 

“It’s perfect,” Garrus said. He was about to fish out the credits when a voice he hadn’t heard since his days in training at C-Sec sounded behind them. 

“Not so fast, Vakarian,” it said. Garrus wiped around. Another large turian was leaning against the entrance to the shop. 

“Julianius Bromirinus,” Garrus said. “I see you didn’t die on the Citadel. Did they finally fire you or did you run away once things started getting dicey?”

“You’re attempts to insult me are almost cute, Vakarian,” Julianius Bromirinus said. “Maybe I would be hurt if I wasn’t the head of security at the very spaceport you’re walking around.”

“Wow,” said Garrus, crossing his arms. “Moving up in the world. I didn’t realize casualties here were so bad that they had to resort to the C-Sec B list. Your mother must be so proud.”

Julianius Bromirinus’s fists clenched at his side. “Fine,” he snapped. “That’s how you want it to go.” He turned to the shopkeeper who was extracting the paupowa. “You, girl. I’m taking that paupowa.”

The turian woman blinked at him. “I’m sorry,” she said. “She’s already been claimed.”

Julianius Bromirinus stalked up to her and leaned down in her face. “If you want your shop here to remain open, you’ll give it to me,” he said.

The woman glanced apologetically at Garrus before handing Julianius Bromirinus the paupowa. He stormed out, the creature squeaking under his arm. 

Garrus, James, and Steve starred bewildered after him. “That _cobertizo feo_  just kidnapped our Space Gerbil!” shouted James after a moment. 

Steve starred at James and shook his head in utter bafflment. 

“What?” James asked. 

“You called him an ‘ugly shed?’” he asked. 

“When you have three little sister’s you can’t swear in front of, you get creative.” 

Garrus dragged them out of the shop, but Julianius Bromirinus was nowhere in sight. 

“Well, shit,” Garrus said. 

“We can’t let that guy get away!” James said. 

“Oh, don’t worry,” Garrus said in a hushed voice. “We won’t.”

* * *

 

“Okay,” Shepard said slowly as she carefully stroked the paupowa who chittered happily on her lap. Garrus, James, Steve, Tali, and Liara were sitting guiltily in the briefing room. The three boys were covered in bumps, bruises, and a light coating of something pink. “So how did Tali get involved?”

Garrus shifted stiffly. “Well, we needed someone to hotwire the taxi,” he explained. 

“Uh huh,” said Shepard skeptically. 

“You had the car,” said James. 

“Right.” She gave the paupowa a nice scratch behind its large ears. “And Liara?”

“How else were we gonna get blackmail material?” Garrus said. 

A flush spread over the asari’s face. “If I had known that the information would be used for something this trivial—“ she stammered. 

“This was not trivial!” James exclaimed. “We were dealing with a hostage situation!”

“Goddess…” Liara mumbled, putting her head into her hands. Steve gave her a consoling pat on the shoulder. 

“Alright,” Shepard said with an amused sigh. “I think I’ve heard enough. You can all leave. Except you, Garrus. I want a word.”

The rest of the crew shuffled out with varying degrees of shame and injury. Garrus was left alone to face Shepard. 

She sat on the seat across from him, stroking the paupowa like a mafia boss would stroke their favorite cat. 

“So…” Garrus said awkwardly.

“So,” said Shepard. “This Julianius Bromirinus guy. You know him.”

Garrus let out a long sigh. “You could certainly say that.”

“So what the deal?”

“We’ve been enemies for a long, long time. He’s been out to for revenge since our early C-Sec days.”

“Revenge? What did you do? Kick his puppy? Insult his mother?”

“No!” Garrus said, “Well, yes, but that was later.”

“So why does this old nemesis of yours hate you?”

“You see, we were roommates back in C-Sec training.”

Shepard’s eyebrows raised. She leaned forward. “Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“So you had a falling out?”

“Not really. We never really had a falling in to start with.”

“You’ll have to explain that.”

Garrus sighed and starred at the ceiling, not meeting Shepard’s eyes. “So it was our first day, and we were in the same room. I got there and his stuff was on the floor but he wasn’t there. So I put my bag on the top bunk. Then when he gets back he starts shouting at me about how I stole his bunk, and he was so sure he had but his bag on the top bunk and claimed it. He called me a liar and a cheat and stormed out.”

Shepard looked Garrus. She had stopped stroking the paupowa. 

“That’s it?” she asked. “You stole the top bunk?”

“And we’ve hated each other ever since,” Garrus concluded. “This was his attempt at revenge. And we foiled the bastard.”

Shepard seemed lost for words. Eventually she resumed stroking her new pet.

“Damn right you did,” she said. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from my team.”

 


End file.
